I'm writing this because I'm at my wit's end. For 10 years, I loved the same person and instead of a happy ever after ending, I land myself in situations I've never been in before. I thought that the times I've let you down could be replaced by giving you everything, including myself. Little did I expect things to be so difficult as well as complicated. No one could have foreseen how deeply I would fall this time round. How, in a desperate bid to save both of us, I wilt away bit by bit. I can feel my soul being ripped apart in different places, but yet with all the reassurance you give, you put my pieces back one by one. However, when I feel within myself, the indelible scar is soft against my fingers.

I've cried myself silly, til I'm numb. Tears are nothing more than an outlet of pain, no longer a tear-jerking reason for desired actions. I just don't understand how we ended up here. Are we really still dwelling in the fantasies that we used to dream about? I wonder if you really can't do this anymore.. because you know that it's utterly impossible for me to drag my sorry ass out of this predicament. It may be easier for you due to obligations you have to fulfil. No matter what, I will still feel as though I've known and loved you forever. I'm going crazy sinking through this alone, thinking about how you go to sleep beside her every night while I cry myself to sleep. I don't know of anyone who would have been sane enough to take crap for and from you. But that's the answer. I'm quite possibly insane. I believe so, because my old self would have scoffed mercilessly at my curerent actions, labelling them as foolish and naive, and more importantly, unrealistic. Why would you ever think that someone could truly and finally belong to you just because your world revolves around him, and him alone? It may just be wishful thinking on my part.

In a way, I hope that you would be mine, and yet, I am also afraid that if I stop doing or compromising, you might realise that underneath it all, I am actually empty and worthless. All is done to try to keep you beside me. If I don't, I would be pushing you away. Actually, I sometimes feel terrified of her finding out. You may need to make a choice, and I have no confidence in that department. How can I be sure that you would eventually choose me when even in the simplest of actions, her feelings are before mine?
In barely 4 months, I've successfully lost myself. What would one more compromise be as compared to the numerous before?

I really miss the times when we spent quality time together. Maybe I wasn't so expectant or emotionally involved yet, but now I am, and it's far too late. All these crazy thoughts are invading my mind, and though being the ball-less person that I am, I still relish the thought of falling and giving up everything. It's easier said than done, and the only thing keeping me sane and whole are my kids. I'm losing sight of my purpose in life and what I want for myself. Now, marriage is a faraway dream and I immense myself in such impossible dreams to keep my sanity intact and to bring me hope.

One of the sweetest moments was when we stayed at Costa Sands and spent our evening walking around aimlessly at RWS, the world seemingly in the palm of our hands. We had no worries at all. It was just us against the world. I enjoyed Cameron Highlands greatly too, knowing that time spent together is hard to come by makes it even more precious. Despite being drained from all the travelling, I love the feel of the wind whipping through my hair and placing my hands on your thighs or embracing you from behind. I understand that you're taking time out to spend with me and I appreciate it.

I miss falling asleep in your arms because I feel totally safe and secure when I'm in them.


Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You, you belong with me, you belong with me.


Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes

You never know the biggest day of your life is your biggest day, not until it’s happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there’s not enough time because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days. You know, it was a beautiful day.

You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they are never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest.

♥ is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. - Robert Heinlein

as for now, i wonder whether you took down your post on her wall. despite saying that you realise how insecure it made me feel, i wonder whether you cared enough about my feelings to remove it.

i am also afraid to check, because somehow deep down, i think i know what awaits me.

i may not be the best for you, but i will definitely try my best for you.

i dont know whats really going on. i cant trust anything anyone says.
to think that i was cynical before, this is a hundred folds worse. you tell me you're not working on your relationship with her, and yet you can still wish her happy 2 yrs anniversary and also declaring that you would love her always.... it felt like a stab to my heart when i saw it before my tears welled up in my eyes and i suppressed the urge to break down again. you also claim that you HAD to reply her on her wall since she wished you earlier. Dont you see it? Every single choice you make is determined by you. If you honestly didnt wish to say it you wouldnt have. Why oblige, knowing that it would hurt me further? AND also, you conveniently left out the part about you leaving it on her wall when you told me you didnt reply her on YOUR wall. you knew i blocked her and you knew i wouldnt be able to see it, so you did it. keeping it frm me was the same as lying blatantly to my face. How many times has it happened already?

Don't you understand that everytime i try to tell you how i feel I am just hoping for a reassuring answer from you? It never comes. I'm either faced with annoyance, silence, or a non-reply. Reason being you don't know what to say. Well, if it makes it easier for you that i don't unload onto you, then I wont. What is the point when i spill my guts out to the only person whom i HOPE would understand and i am met with a stony silence?

Can't you see that when i ask you the same thing repeatedly I am also trying my best to believe you, knowing that belief in my case has failed me time and time again. Yet, i persist on trying to believe, hoping against hope it would lead me somewhere. You tell me you sleep on the couch, ok so i can try to believe you. Even if you lie to me I wont find out too. However, when i do find out, and i confront you, its square one all over again. Unloading of shit then stony silence.


you tell me i'm not foolish, yet all the constant believing ensures that i am.

i just decided not to publish the whole lengthy post i typed in the previous hour.

i am tired. i truly am.

i just read yoko's old blog. when she found out about homan cheating on her. i realised so many things can be applied to me now.

i also know i have no right to play the victim card.

for the first time in many many years, i actually feel kinda suicidal and depressed. but no worries im still rational. i live on the 15th floor which makes it so much more worse.
of ALL people, i least expected you to do this to me. ALL people. i trusted you. you did and said things which earned it. you constantly reassured me. but also, out of all this, you repeatedly gave me reasons to doubt you. i was so ignorant and blind to all these signs.

you used me. i have no doubt about that. i was like coming up for fresh air to you. you wanted thrill and excitement in your life, which you have endlessly said that you lack. i provided that. i gave myself to you.

and today, i EVEN TRIED TO COVER YOUR ASS. deny all the countless rendezvous that we've had. deny that we speak on the phone. deny that we've met up. deny EVERY SINGLE THING.
why? because i'm not the kind of person who purposely stirs up trouble to spite someone. i can't do that because i love you. i love you way too much to see you hurt or stressed in any way. sometimes, i wish you could do the same for me too.

all those promises you made...words you've spoken. All the "i love yous" and "i miss yous", were they so easily uttered? was i so indispensable that you can throw me aside and deny my existence even when confronted with it?
and right after that you still tell me you love me.... how do you do that to someone you love? i will NEVER be able to bring myself to do that to you, but obviously our priorities are different. You mean the world to me, but i mean.......nothing to you. i really wish i could believe you from now on, your words and everything, but its not so simply said than done.

i gave up so much for you, and in the end.......nothing remains for me.

i don't know of ANYONE who can ever live with this kind of shit on their own conscience.
i kowtow to you officially. you've won. you've successfully broken my heart.

and yet here i am, being the same person i was 10 years ago. willing and submissive.
i'm falling into the same rut now. i SHOULD know better. but my heart says otherwise.

blame it on my own stupidity and foolishness. and i love you too much to see you suffer anymore pain and stress.